After struggling with infertility for so many years, I thought adoption would be easy. No more hormone treatments. No more pregnancy tests. No more wondering, 'Is this going to be the month it finally happens?' or 'Am I pregnant?' We were so excited to put the gamble of infertility treatments behind us and begin the process of adoption, a "sure thing". And while I expected that the wait between accepting a referral and actually bringing that child home would be tough, I didn't anticipate the process leading up to accepting a referral to be so emotional, or to feel so much like our struggle with infertility.
Waiting for a referral to come feels just like waiting to find out if I'm pregnant. No matter how many times my pregnancy tests showed a negative result, each time I took one I was hopeful that it would be positive (sometimes even seeing a positive line where there was none). The same is true now. Each day comes and goes without a referral, but each day I wake up hopeful a referral will come that day. The same feeling I had when I looked at those negative pregnancy tests is the same feeling I have now when another day ends without a referral.
We have also now had the brutal experience of having to turn down a referral. It appeared that this precious child had a serious, but correctable condition. However, a closer look by medical doctors revealed that her condition is most likely not treatable. We were warned that if we were to accept this referral, we would need to be prepared for her the fact that her condition could very well be terminal. In the days while we waited for medical evaluations to be done we carried her pictures with us, even sharing them with our family and some friends. We had already begun to think of this child as our daughter. When we read the incredibly sobering report, we felt loss. A loss that felt so much like the loss of miscarriage.
So, that is where we are at. We are waiting. There is so little to do while we wait, but I can do this. I can journal through the ups and downs and keep our family and friends updated at the same time.
I'd also like to share prayer requests along the way. Here are our current prayer requests ...
* Pray for this little 5-year old girl in China, whose referral we knew we could not accept. Pray that she would sense God's presence with her. Pray that she would experience His great and awesome love, strength and comfort.
* Pray that God would give us His peace and patience while we wait. As Brianna said last night, "I can wait to meet my sister once I know who she is, but I'm just SO ready to know who she is!" Pray, too, that our lives wouldn't feel "on hold" while we wait.
